


The Hargreeves Siblings Are Not Alright

by SlitheredFromEden



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Group Chat Fic, NO RELATIONSHIPS HERE... sorry that's not my jam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-11-04 22:17:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17906678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlitheredFromEden/pseuds/SlitheredFromEden
Summary: Klaus added HalfManHalfApe, GoDiegoGo, CurlieGirlie, ShortStack, and MusicalMeme to the Let's McFreakin' Lose It group chat.AKAThe groupchat fic nobody but me wants





	1. ChApTeR oNe

**Author's Note:**

> HalfManHalfApe - Luther  
> GoDiegoGo _ Diego  
> CurieGirlie - Allison  
> CropTopGod - Klaus  
> ShortStack - Five  
> MusicalMeme - Vanya

Klaus added  **HalfManHalfApe** , **GoDiegoGo** , **CurlieGirlie** , **ShortStack** , and **MusicalMeme** to the  _Let's McFreakin' Lose It_  group chat.

 **CropTopGod:** hello boys & girls

 **CropTopGod** : Allow me 2 entertain u this evening

 **GoDiegoGo** : I'm not into prostitution.. thnx for the offer tho

 **CurlieGirlie** : ^^

 **CropTopGod** : HEY!

 **HalfManHalfApe** : Fuck you v much for this screen name

 **ShortStack** : It is accurate

 **CurlieGirlie** : Ha!

 **MusicalMeme** : What's the real reason we're here?

 **CropTopGod** : W H A T i cannot desire to talk to my siblings???????????????

 **MusicalMeme** : Oh okay.. heyyy gay sibling

 **CropTopGod** : heyyy bisexual sibling

 **GoDiegoGo** : Hey Diego 😊

 **ShortStack** : Choke and die, Diego 😊 

 **CurlieGirlie** : Slip and break ur neck, Dee 😃

 **GoDiegoGo** : okay 🙃

 **CropTopGod** : NO DIEGO! WHO ELSE WILL BE DRIVE ME AROUND?

 **HalfManHalfApe** : I can

 **CropTopGod** : @GoDiegoGo proceed then

 **GoDiegoGo** : Fuck all of you except Vanya

 **MusicalMeme** : yay

 **ShortStack** : Are you going to kill yourself or not? I have places to be and I don't want to miss it.

 **GoDiegoGo** : NO!

 **ShortStack** : 😒😒😒 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

 **CurlieGirlie** : Wake me up!

 **HalfManHalfApe** : before you go GO

 **MusicalMeme** : when september ends

 **CropTopGod** : WAKE ME UP INSIDE

 **GoDiegoGo** : I CAN'T WAKE UP!

 **CropTopGod** : WAKE ME UP

 **MusicalMeme** : Saaaaaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeee

 **CurlieGirlie** : Call my name and save me from from the daaark 

 **HalfManHalfApe** : Wake me uppppppp!!!!1!!!

 **ShortStack** : Bid my blood to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **GoDiegoGo** : I CAN'T WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

 **CurlieGirlie** : BEFORE I COME UNDONE!! 

 **CropTopGod** : SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **ShortStack** : Save me from the nothing I've become!! 

 **CropTopGod** : Ben says he can't believe we just bonded over our Lord and Saviour Evanescence

 **CropTopGod** : "You bitches waited until after I died to live your best lives" 

 **CropTopGod** : Ben's exact words

 **MusicalMeme** : I love you too Ben

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂ 

 

 **HalfManHalfApe** : Did you guys know where Five and Vanya went?

 **CropTopGod** : NO the assholes wouldnt tell me

 **GoDiegoGo** : I kno but i promised I wont say

 **ShortStack** : you better not, Diego

 **HalfManHalfApe** : wherever they are i hope they lose whatever they bought with the money they stole from me 

 **CropTopGod** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 

 **CropTopGod** : You had money this whole time!!!!

 **HalfManHalfApe** : ... yeah?

 **GoDiegoGo** : you done did fucked up Luther

 **MusicalMeme** : Rip

 **CurlieGirlie** : #RIPmonkeyman

 **CropTopGod** : ur taking me shopping

 **CurlieGirlie** : can i come

 **CropTopGod** : yeah u need my help with ur wardrobe

 **CropTopGod** : Luckily i am the crop top god

 **GoDiegoGo** : thoses arent crop tops

 **GodIegoGo** : they're old shirts from 6 yrs ago you never threw away

 **HalfManHalfApe** : RIP 

 **ShortStack** : ^^

 **GoDiegoGo** : ur siding with them?? I'll tell u where Vanya & Five were going

 **ShortStack** : You wouldn't dare..

 **CropTopGod** : TELL US 

 **HalfManHAlfApe** : TELL US

 **CurlieGirlie** : TELL US 

 **GoDiegoGo** : try me bitch @ShortStack

 **MusicalMeme** : we'll buy you food

 **GoDiegoGo** : you cannot buy me off with food

 **MusicalMeme** : it's KFC....

 **GoDiegoGo:** okay I'll take a whole bucket

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

 **CropTopGod** : Ben is bored.. he said he can answer ur ghost related questions. please use #AskBen when asking ur questions

 **MusicalMeme** : Hey Ben! Do you ever get hungry? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : he says no but i think hes lying 

 **ShortStack** : Ben, do you want me to come up with a formula tha can bring you back to life? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : He says no thanx. he said staying dead means he doesnt have to worry about dying again

 **GoDiegoGo** : Do dead people hate Klaus? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : Ben said only the ones i ignore

 **GoDiegoGo** : so all of them except you? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : that is correct

 **CurlieGirlie** : Can you possess bodies? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : Ben said this isn't hollywood but he wishes he could

 **HalfManHalfApe** : What would you do if you could possess a body? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : Ben said he'll take a shower and eat cereal 

 **MusicalMeme** : Does he have beef with the other ghosts? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : Ben claims that he has beef with everyone because hes my brother

 **GoDiegoGo** : What was the worst thing you saw Klaus do? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : nice try dee

 **CropTopGod** : im not answering that

 **CurlieGirlie** : Is the ghost of our old cat in our house? #AskBen

 **CropTopGod** : i could have answered that but Ben says yes

 **CropTopGod** : thats all the questions we can take for today

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

 **MusicalMeme** : Diego knocked himself out again

 **MusicalMeme** : I don't know what to do

 **MusicalMeme** : usually Klaus is with him when this happens

 **CropTopGod** : did you try slapping him?

 **MusicalMeme** : yes

 **CropTopGod** : well thats all i do

 **CurlieGirlie:** wait it out Vee

 **MusicalMeme** : im never partnering up w/ diego again

 **HalfManHalfApe** : I'm coming over there

 **ShortStack** : It's always Diego or Kluas that ruin missions

 **CropTopGod** : I'm sorry, who's small bladder needed relief last time?

 **ShortStack** : Fuck you

 **CurlieGirlie** : I'll grab the first aid kit from the car

 **CropTopGod** : I'll call Mom and Pogo

 **ShortStack** : I'll finish off the target  and follow you guys home

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**GoDiegoGo** : Aw i just read the messages u guys care about me

 **ShortStack** : its 2am go back to sleep

 **GoDiegoGo** : BUT IM HUNGRRRRRRRYYYYYY

 **CurlieGirlie** : he's high off of his meds guys. Just ignore him. 

 **GoDiegoGo** : K L A U S

 **GoDiegoGo** : Klllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaausssssssss

 **GoDiegoGo** : KLAUSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

 **CropTopGod** : what

 **GoDiegoGo** : wanna go grab some waffles?

 **CropTopGod** : 😋🥞

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

 

 


	2. ChApTeR tWo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five and Allison co-own their family’s single brain cell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adjkdguievhsdb I wasn’t expecting so much positive feedback and I’m so so so happy u guys like reading it as much as I did writing it!!!! THANK YOU!! I don’t deserve you guys 😢
> 
> Usernames where we last left off 
> 
> HalfManHalfApe - Luther  
> GoDiegoGo _ Diego  
> CurieGirlie - Allison  
> CropTopGod - Klaus  
> ShortStack - Five  
> MusicalMeme - Vanya

**GoDiegoGo** : I think Klaus swallowed a fly just now

 **CropTopGod** : I most definitely did just swallow a fly

 **CropTopGod** : & it was delicious 😋 

 **CurlieGirlie** : u r disgusting 

 **HalfManHalfApe** : it isn’t the most disgusting thing he’s ever done

 **ShortStack** : just last week he licked the pavement because he thought the pink substance was strawberry yogurt  

 **MusicalMeme** : that’s true I was there

 **CropTopGod** : I was partially right 

 **GoDiegoGo** : what do you mean by ‘partially’ right?

 **ShortStack** : it was strawberry lube

 **CurlieGirlie** : Did he still...

 **MusicalMeme** : lick it up? Yup

 **ShortStack** : 🙄🙄

 **HalfManHalfApe** : dude that’s disgusting 

 **CropTopGod** : is it? Is it really?

 **HalfManHalfApe** : Yes Klaus

 **HalfManHalfApe** : Yes it fucking is

 **CropTopGod** : you guys are just cowards

 **CropTopGod** : live on the edge 

 **GoDiegoGo** : theres a fine line between living on the edge and licking LUBE OFF THE FLOOR

 **CropTopGod** : ur a bitch ass coward just admit it

 **GoDiegoGo** : 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

 **CurlieGirlie** : boys pls stop

 **ShortStack** : ^^

 **HalfManHalfApe** : ^^^

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂ 

 

 **CurlieGirlie** : Guys Claire is coming to visit so pls don’t scar her mentally physically or emotionally 

 **CropTopGod** : ouch u doubt us that much

 **CurlieGirlie** : I no u all 

 **MusicalMeme** : don’t worry she’ll be okay

 **CurlieGirlie** : u I trust, Diego and Klaus... is another story

 **GoDiegoGo** : I allowed her to throw one knife once!

 **CurlieGirlie** : she was three!!!

 **CropTopGod** : I haven’t done anything to her

 **CurlieGirlie** : yet!

 **CropTopGod** _changed_ **CurlieGirlies’s** _username_ _to_ **MamaBear**

 **MamaBear** : I like this. 

 **ShortStack** : I’ll keep her occupied 

 **ShortStack** : She’s much more intelligent than half the people living in this house

 **CropTopGod** : excuse u

 **CropTopGod** : Claire needs an ADULT as a role model

 **MusicalMeme** : ya, me

 **HalfManHalfApe** : nah me

 **GoDiegoGo** : I’m best suited to be the role model

 **CropTopGod** : Ben said he’d do better than u Dee

 **GoDiegoGo** : I’m about to fight me a fuckin ghost

 **CropTopGod** : 👻 

 **CropTopGod** : Ben chose that emoji 

 **MamaBear** : okay! Okay! 

 **MamaBear** : you both can hang out with her an hour each

 **GoDiegoGo** : Yess

 **CropTopGod** : goooodiee

 **MamaBear** : under the condition of being surpervised by Vanya

 **MusicalMeme** : damn it 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **CropTopGod** : did i tell u Diego thought i was straight

 **MusicalMeme** :  adgjkfsd !!!??? 

 **CropTopGod** : i kno 😢

 **MamaBear** : Diego stupid as shit

 **GoDiegoGo** : hey!!

 **HalfManHalfApe** : what’s wrong with u assuming Klaus being straight ? Like he had boyfriends before 

 **ShortStack** : Stupid, stupid Diego 

 **GoDiegoGo** : Idk 

 **GoDiegoGo** : i just made a bad judgement call

 **CropTopGod** : well im gay bitch

 **MusicalMeme** _changed_ **CropTopGod’s** _username_ _to_ **ImGayBitch**

 **ImGayBitch** : 🏳️‍🌈

 **GoDiegoGo** : sorry Klaus

 **ImGayBitch** _changed_ **GoDiegoGo’s** _name_ _to_ **diGAYo**

 **diGAYo** : does this mean im forgiven?

 **ImGayBitch** : yes

 **ShortStack** : what the fuck did I just witness?

 **MamaBear** : a gay miracle 

 **MusicalMeme** : best of all miracles 

 **HalfManHalfApe** : who’s down for pizza

 **ImGayBitch** : do you have to ask??!?

 **ImGayBitch** : Ben says no anchovies because he can still smell and doesn’t want to suffer more than he already does

 **HalfManHalfApe** : when he pays is when he gets to make demands 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **MusicalMeme** _removed_ **MamaBear** , **ShortStack** , _and_ **HalfManHalfApe** _from_   _the_ _chat_

 **MusicalMeme** : U idiots fucked up

 **MusicalMeme** : whey is Claire telling me you sent her to shooting range @diGAYo ??

 **diGAYo** : uhhh 

 **ImGayBitch** : oooooo that’s not goood

 **MusicalMeme** : ur not off the hook either klaus

 **MusicalMeme** : a mosh pit???????

 **ImGayBitch** : uhhhh 

 **diGAYo** : oooooooo

 **MusicalMeme** : I should’ve chaperoned u guys like I was supposed to

 **ImGayBitch** : Ben says that it is basically ur fault 

 **MusicalMeme** : no he didnt 

 **ImGayBitch** : no he didnt 😊

 **diGAYo** : Ben or not Ben 

 **diGAYo** : it is kinda ur fault

 **ShortStack** _added_ _himself_ _to_ _the_ _chat_

 **MusicalMeme** : how?????

 **diGAYo** : ^^^^^

 **ShortStack** : don’t insult my intelligence 

 **ShortStack** : what’s going on here?

 **ImGayBitch** : stay in ur lane u nosy libra bitch 

 **diGAYo** : ^^

 **MusicalMeme** : we’re all Libras dumbasses

 **ImGayBitch** : oh honestly that explains a lot

 **ShortStack** : tell me or I’ll add Allison into the chat

 **MusicalMeme** : Diego took Claire to a shooting range and Klaus took her to a mosh pit

 **ShortStack** : sorry to break it to you 

 **ShortStack** : Claire told me

 **ImGayBitch** : u didnt 

 **ShortStack** : oh I did 😊

 **ShortStack** : Allison knows

 **diGAYo** : hes stalling!! this is a trap!!

 **diGAYo** : Klaus ur in the house RUN

 **MusicalMeme** : Klaus???

 **ImGayBitch** : asrf help meryivcfd

 **ImGayBitch** : 😈 -Allison 

 **diGAYo** : NOOO!!!

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **ImGayBitch** : @HalfManHalfApe is the moon made out of cheese?? 

 **MamaBear** : Hey is the moon made out of cheese #AskMoonMan

 **ShortStack** : Answer the people #AskMoonMan

 **MusicalMeme** : YES OR NO

 **diGAYo** : #ASKMOONMAN

 **HalfManHalfApe** : The moon isn’t cheese

 **ImGayBitch** : liar 

 **diGAYo** _changed_ **HalfManHalfApe’s** _username_ _to_ **cHeEsEyMoOn**

  **cHeEsEyMoOn** : c’mon really? 

 **ShortStack** : 🧀🌑

 **ShortStack** : Yes bitch

 **ImGayBitch** : Ben says he can’t believe u hid this from him ☹️

 **MusicalMeme** : it’s okay Ben don’t cry

 **ImGayBitch** : 😢😢

 **MamaBear** : I think u should quit keeping the moon’s secrets 

 **MamaBear** : y’all broke up

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : I wasn’t dating the moon!

 **ImGayBitch** : denial is the first stage in grief

 **diDAYo** : i want cheese now

 **MusicalMeme** : shush the ‘c’ word hurts his feelings

 **diGAYo** : I want dairy jell-o 

 **ShortStack** : Dairy Jell-o, really??

 **diGayo** : how else would u describe it??

 **ShortStack** : ....

 **ImGayBitch** : that settles that

 **MusicalMeme** : @diGAYo come over to my apartment  

 **MusicalMeme** : we can pretend to be snobby rich people at a winery 

 **ImGayBitch** : can i come

 **MusicalMeme** : read✅ at 2:35 pm

 **ImGayBitch** : @diGAYo pls take me

 **diGAYo** : read✅ at 2:36 pm 

 **ImGayBitch** : @MamaBear ??

 **MamaBear** : read✅ at 2:40 pm

 **ShortStack** : read✅ at 2:40 pm

 **ImGayBitch** : i didnt even @ u Five

 **ShortStack** : read✅ 2:41 pm 

 **ImGayBitch** : @cHeEsEyMoOn drive me to Vanya’s 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : no 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading


	3. ChApTeR tHrEe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luther is a crybaby and Vanya is is living her best life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not too proud of this chapter .. I’ve been busy with my midterms 
> 
> Usernames where we last left off
> 
> cHeEsEyMoOn - Luther  
> diGAYo - Diego  
> MamaBear - Allison  
> ImGayBitch - Klaus  
> ShortStack - Five  
> MusicalMeme - Vanya

**ImGayBitch** : hey hey hey

 **diGAYgo** : Ba de ya, say do you remember 

 **MamaBear** : Ba de ya, daAAAancing in Septemberr

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : Ba de ya, never was a cloudy daaaaaay!!!!!!

 **MusicalMeme** : Ba dudaaaa, ba dudaaa, ba duda, baduuuuuu

 **ImGayBitch** : Baaaa dudaaa, baduuu, ba dudaaa, baduuuu!!!!!

 **diGAYo** : Ba duda, badu, ba duda!!11!!!!1

 **ShortStack** : I need a new family

 **ShortStack** : Why can’t we communicate like normal people

 **MamaBear** : we aren’t normal 

 **ImGayBitch** : hes upset he doesn’t know the song

 **ShortStack** : no

 **diGAYo** : LIAR

 **ShortStack** : I’m walking out on you

 **MusicalMeme** : too late to walk out now

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : you’re bound to us

 **ShortStack** : 🤯🔫

 **diGAYo** : no need to get hostile number 5

 **ShortStack** : fuck off number 2 💩

 **ImGayBitch** : HA HA Diego is doo doo

 **ShortStack** : That’s it. I’m moving to Africa.

 **MusicalMeme** : would u bless the rain?

 **ShortStack** : oh no

 **ShortStack** : Vanya, why???

 **MamaBear** : oh yes 😁

 **MamaBear** : Vanya is a blessing      

 

**diGAYo** : It's gonna take a lot to take me aaaawaaaay from youuuuuu!!!1!1!1!

**ImGayBitch** : There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever DOOOOOOOOOO

**MusicalMeme** : I blessssss the rains down in Africaaaaaaaa

**MamaBear** : Gonna take some time to do the things we never haaaaaaaaaaad !!!

**ShortStack** _has left the chat_

.

.

**cHeEsEyMoOn** : you guys smell smoke?

**ShortStack** : read✅ at 3:55 am

**ImGayBitch** : Hell finally caught up with me !!

**MusicalMeme** : wtf Klaus??

**MamaBear** : Im getting tf outta here 

**diGAYo** : 5 im gunna kill u

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **ShortStack** : I don’t understand why @MamaBear gets a free pass from Klaus Watch

 **MusicalMeme** : I second that! 

 **diGAYo** : she can just rumor him to sit still

 **diGAYo** : but us common folk have to loose brain cells dealing with him

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : bold of you to assume you have any brain cells to begin with

 **ShortStack** : ^

 **MusicalMeme** : ^^

 **ImGayBitch** : ^^^

 **diGAYo** : choke on dicks

 **ImGayBitch** : Klaus Watch is stupid 

 **ImGayBitch** : Klaus demands freedom 

 **ShortStack** : Klaus should get off his phone  

 **ImGayBitch** : no 

 **ShortStack** : get off your phone I put you in time out

 **MamaBear** : I don’t do Klaus Watch because I’m above u all

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : you don’t do it because the last time you sent him to the hospital 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : we don’t need Klaus pressing charges... again 

 **ImGayBitch** : Ben says u r all fake and don’t deserve me as a brother 

 **diGAYo** : can’t believe it til I hear it 

 **MusicalMeme** : #BenForKlausWatch

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : K.W. was created to give Ben a break from Klaus 

 **ImGayBitch** : fuck ya! Ben loves me

 **ShortStack** : don’t make me get up @ImGayBitch

 **ShortStack** : You’re in time out! 

 **ShortStack** : get off your phone

 **MamaBear** : y is he in time out?

 **ImGayBitch** : I gave Dolores a makeover 

 **ImGayBitch** : as in we traded clothes 

 **ShortStack** : that’s it! I’m taking your phone

 **MusicalMeme** : RUN GAY BOY RUN

 **diGAYo** : get him 5 !!!

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : I’m going to make sure Five doesn’t kill Klaus

.

.

.

 **ShortStack** : guess who just got out of Klaus Watch indefinitely??

 **ShortStack** : Me, that’s who bitches

 **MusicalMeme** : 😓

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **ImGayBitch** _added_ **B3N** _to the chat_

 **MusicalMeme** :????????

 **diGAYo** : ummm Ben that really u ??

 **B3N** : I’m back babeyyyy

 **MamaBear** : Benny!!!!! 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : how

 **ShortStack** : Me, how else 

 **ImGayBitch** : we did big science and now Ben lives in a phone 

 **diGAYo** : wheres luther? he’ll want to talk to you too

 **ImGayBitch** : ....

 **ShortStack** : ....

 **B3N** :....

 **MamaBear** : what did U guys do?

 **ShortStack** : I plead the 5th

 **ImGayBitch** : we needed a phone for Ben to occupy 

 **MusicalMeme** : so you took Luther’s 

 **ImGayBitch** : sO yOu ToOk LuThEr’S

 **B3N** : Yes. Yes we did  

 **B3N** : I deserve a voice more

 **MamaBear** : there’s something else u aren’t telling us

 **MamaBear** : don’t make me rumor u via voice memo

 **MamaBear** : 🔘——————— 2:35

 **MamaBear** : hit play I dare u

 **B3N** : I’m already dead skjskjskjskj

 **ImGayBitch** : skjskjskjskj shut up ben 

 **diGAYo** : forget Luther

 **diGAYo** : Ben’s here!  

 **MusicalMeme** : Ben is my fren!

 **MusicalMeme** _changed_ **B3N’s** _username to_ **BenTheFren**

 **BenTheFren** : ty ☺️✨

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : fuck you guys

 **diGAYo** : no. 1 !!! Where were u I was so worrrrrried 

 **MamaBear** : stfu @diGAYo u two faced ass bitch 

 **ImGayBitch** : how are u on here..

 **BenTheFren** : we were sure you be gone

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : you really think I believed a mission report written in crayon on toilet paper saying ‘the moon is pregnant with ur baby go and leave ur phone’ !????? 

 **ShortStack** : Toilet paper?? Really Klaus??

 **ImGayBitch** : I had limited resources 

 **MusicalMeme** : lmao

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : I figured out what you guys wanted and went to buy a phone  

 **ImGayBitch** : how do u always have money?!?!?

 **BenTheFren** : at least we’re all here, right?

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** _changed_ **BenTheFren’s** _username to_ **Benemy**

 **Benemy** : I no this is meant to be insulting 

 **Benemy** : but its too darn cute

 **MamaBear** : Luther is definitely pouting rn

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : am not

 **ImGayBitch** : Ben said u totally are

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : 👻+🤛🏼=😭

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : fuck Ben 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **Benemy** : Let’s go to movies

 **Benemy** : I’m booooooooredddd

 **Benemy** : Booooooooored

 **ImGayBitch** : u don’t have to say what ur typing 

 **ImGayBitch** : ur giving me a headache

 **MamaBear** : that’s rich coming from u

 **diGAYo** : I’m not taking u anywhere bitch

 **Benemy** : whhhhhyyy

 **diGAYo** : u kno why

 **MusicalMeme** : he called u emo batman once relax

 **ImGayBitch** : then we all said it more than once

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : honestly don’t get upset 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : you’ll never be Batman 

 **ShortStack** : The last time I checked Batman isn’t afraid of needles or heights 

 **MamaBear** : right!! 

 **ImGayBitch** : ur my Batman

 **diGAYo** : 😃

 **ImGayBitch** : u drive me places

 **MusicalMeme** : sounds more more like  chauffeur 

 **diGAYo** : vanya!! I thought we were friends 

 **Benemy** : soo Movies anyone?

 **diGAYo** : @ShortStack can you undo whatever u did and silence Ben??

 **ShortStack** : I’m seriously considering it 

 **ImGayBitch** : he’s already oppressed by death 

 **ImGayBitch** : let him enjoy this small form of communication before we rip it away from his cold dead ghost hands 

 **MamaBear** : I heard a rumor u r all little fragile bitches

 **MamaBear** : pick a movie ben and i'll get it

 **Benemy** : Faris Bueller's Day off

 **ImGayBitch** : hes hot count me in

 **MamaBear** : fuck off freeloader

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : that's it i resign

 **ImGayBitch** : wow and it only took diego punching u in the dick

 **ImGayBitch** : @diGAYo u should have done that 6teen yrs ago

 **diGAYo** : if i only knew

 **ShortStack** : stop whining Luther

 **MamaBear** : Yea luther it was only a punch to ur dick

 **MusialMeme** : i want him to suffer

 **ImGayBitch** : Vaynaaaa i like this new u 

 **Benemy** : what's the big deal? u punched my statue in the dick and snapped Bronze Ben's head off!!

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : u saw that??

 **ImGayBitch** : he sees everything bc he is a nosy libra bitch 

 **MamaBear** : we r all libras 🙄🙄

 **MusicalMeme** : @ImGayBitch whats with thinking libras are nosy bitches?

 **ImGayBitch** : thats all this psychic ghost calls me

 **ImGayBitch** : shes a psychic so she must be right

 **diGAYo** : thats the dumdest thing u have ever uttered 

 **MamaBear** : dont start another fight dee

 **Benemy** : i kinda wanted to see that esculate

 **MamaBear** : @ShortStack I'll pay you to silence Ben like before

 **ShortStack** : already working on it

 **Benemy** : NOOO!!!!!! I Will Not Be Silenced !!!!! 

 **ImGayBitch** : @diGAYo ur the dumbest thing i ever heard

 **ImGayBitch** : ur also v ugly 

 **diGAYo** : ...

 **diGAYo** _added_ **Mom** _to_ _the_ _chat_

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : you bought her a phone?

 **MusicalMeme** : ur so screwed Klaus 

 **ShortStack** : mom isn’t going to be pleased with bullying 

 **ImGayBitch** : he bullied me fiiiiiiiirst 

 **Mom** : hello kids ❤️❤️

 **Mom** : I like these small faces 😃😋😁😀

 **MamaBear** : u mean emojis 

 **Mom** : it’s you, darling, not u 

 **Mom** : and yes

 **Mom** : they all remind me of you kids when you were small

 **Mom** : 🤠🤠 Luther and Five during their cowboy phase

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : MOOOM THATS EMBARRASSING 

 **ShortStack** : please don’t bring that up

 **diGAYo** : do me next 

 **Mom** : 🤓 when Diego needed glasses for a year 

 **ImGayBitch** : ha! nerd!

 **Mom** : that’s no way to treat your brother Klaus

 **diGAYo** : and Klaus called me ugly

 **ImGayBitch** : im not Klaus im Five 

 **Mom** : it’s I’m, Klaus, not im 

 **Mom** : Klaus apologize and change your screen **name** it’s very vulgar 

 **Mom** : I’ll change it. There is nothing wrong with the name I gave you. 

 **Mom** _changed_ **ImGayBitch’s** _username_ _to_ **Klaus**

 **Klaus** : sorry dee

 **Benemy** : @Mom what about my apology? Luther broke my statue and it hurt my feelings

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : It was half Diego’s fault too

 **Mom** : Luther..

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : Sorry Ben

 **Mom** : Is that all? I need to prepare dinner. 

 **Mom** : maybe after dinner we can go over spelling and grammar. Seems like you kids forgot. 

 **MusicalMeme** : bye mom

 **Mom** : Be good, children

 **Mom** has left the chat

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : wait, Mom! Diego punched me in the dick!

 **ShortStack** : You should be embarrassed of yourself 

 **ShortStack** : what kind of 30 year old snitches to their mom

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : I hate you all so fucking much 

 **MamaBear** : don’t be sour 😂

 **MusicalMeme** : I’m tired of hearing Luther whine

 **MusicalMeme** : who wants to come over and talk about how much we hate Dad?

 **Klaus** : me!  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!


	4. ChApTeR fOuR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames where we left off  
> Luther- cHeEsEyMoOn  
> Diego- diGAYo  
> Allison- MamaBear  
> Klaus- Klaus  
> Five- ShortStack  
> Ben- Benemy  
> Vanya- MusicalMeme

**MamaBear** : We need to make rules in this house

 **MamaBear** : RULE 1 STOP FUCKING TAKING MY CLOTHES KLAUS

 **MamaBear** : RULE 2 No, and I mean, noooooooooooooooooo coming home half dead bc a bar fight @diGAYo

 **MamaBear** : RULE 3 plssssssssss dont waste all the hot water 5. u don't need all that water

 **Klaus** : yea hes like 4'9"

 **ShortStack** : ha ha very funny

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : Rule 3.5 clean up the bathroom after yourselves that's for you Allison

 **diGAYo** : i agree with Luther

 **diGAYo** : also do ur fucking dishes

 **Klaus** : rule number 4 (hehehee das me) KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING MY ROOM @ ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS 

 **ShortStack** : Shut up Klaus. The adults are talking

 **Klaus** : asdfghjkl im an adult!!

 **MusicalMeme** : u raided dad's closet and stole all this suits

 **Klaus** : we r the same size.. those clothes shouldnt go to waste 

 **MamaBear** : i caught u turning the pants of those suits into shorts

 **Klaus** : *****pls refer to rule 4******

 **diGAYo** : Klaus u'll get arrested for looking like an 80's hooker

 **diGAYo** : again

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : nah I think last time it was a 70's hooker

 **Klaus** : yeah it was 70's PLUS THOSE COPS WERE JEALOUS BC I HAVE CALVES SCULPTED BY MICHELANGELO HIMSELF

 **MusicalMeme** : Rule 5 stop calling me when there needs to be a vote

 **MusicalMeme** : just kno I agree with Allison always

 **diGAYo** : it was a pretty hot debate

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : Allison and 5 like Home Alone 2 over the original

 **MusicalMeme** : wertyuioasdfghjkxcvbnm NOOOO!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!! FUCK ALLISON!!!! 

 **MamaBear** : wtf Vanya! U like the original over the new york one???

 **Klaus** : everyone doessss 

 **Benemy** : the second one was just the first one in a new setting

 **Benemy** : A FUCKING INSULT 

 **ShortStack** : the sequel had so much more visiual asthetics

 **MusicalMeme** : What do u kno about visual aesthetics 5??

 **ShortStack** : i dont think someone with the same three outfits like you will understand 

 **ShortStack** : even if I tried to explain

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : It's New York! so overdone!

 **MamaBear** : ur existence is overdone

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : real original 

 **Benemy** : Let's ask Pogo

 **diGAYo** _added_ **MofoPogo** _to the chat_

 **MofoPogo** : What is it that needed to be said here that couldn't be said aloud, Master Diego?

 **Benemy** : Hi Pogo!!

 **MofoPogo** : Hello Master Benjamin 

 **MamaBear** : Which version of Home Alone do u like better? the 1st or 2nd? 

 **MofoPogo** : I prefer the the second one, Miss Allison

 **MamaBear** : THANK U POGO

 **Klaus** _removed_ **MofoPogo** _from the chat_

 **Klaus** : that'll be that last time we include pogo

 **Klaus** : new york one my ass

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

 **Klaus** : Ben wya

 **Klaus** : Ben wyyyaaaa

 **MusicalMeme** : where could he have gone??

 **MamaBear** : how long has he been gone?

 **Klaus** : idk really when i fell asleep he wasnt in my room when i woke he wasnt there either 

 **Benemy** : im not gone

 **Klaus** : where were u? i had to make decisions all on my own all day

 **ShortStack** : its 2 pm

 **Benemy** : ive been busy

 **Klaus** : doing what?

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : DRIVING ME AND DIEGO CARZY

 **Benemy** : i decided to haunt them

 **Benemy** : its been so much fun

 **diGAYo** : pulling the chair out from under me isnt fun

 **Benemy** : ur right it was wasnt fun it was FUNNY AS HELL

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : it was kind of funny

 **diGAYo** : just as funny as you falling down three flights of steps? BC THAT SHIT HAD ME ROLLING 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : it was very funny when salt was put into ur coffee

 **Benemy** : that wasn’t me

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : no it was me 😂😂

 **MusicalMeme** : howd u kno it was Ben?

 **MusicalMeme** : and not some other ghost

 **diGAYo** : he wrote us a message in the windshield 

 **Klaus** : u can’t have ghost shenanigans w/o me @Benemy 

 **MamaBear** _changed_ **Klaus** _’s username to_ **Sad &Salty**

 **Sad &Salty**: sksksksksksks im not sad or salty 

 **Sad &Salty**: I’ll find a new ghost bestie

 **diGAYo** : does it have to be a ghost? We could hang out and ignore Ben 

 **diGAYo** : 5 wants me to raid this warehouse wanna come?

 **ShortStack** : don’t invite KLAUS 

 **ShortStack** : what’s wrong with you 

 **ShortStack** : I need this mission to be a success 

 **MamaBear** : stfu Five 🙄

 **Sad &Salty**: thank u Allison 

 **Sad &Salty**: of course I’ll go with u Dee we make a great duo

 **Benemy** : ha! I’ll just follow u 

 **Sad &Salty**: im bringing salt

 **Benemy** : ....

 **Sad &Salty**: don’t test me 

 **MusicalMeme** : adjkgfdjl does that actually work 

 **Benemy** : yes and it hurts 

 **MusicalMeme** : Supernatural was right

 **ShortStack** : they were right about a lot of things actually 

 **MusicalMeme** : [John Mulaney voice] Pls say more right now

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **ShortStack** : Where's the food in this house 

 **ShortStack** : I'm starving 

 **MamaBear** : we have food just open the fridge

 **diGAYo** : i went grocery shopping yesterday

 **ShortStack** : where is the peanut butter?

 **ShortStack** : the sliced bread? the marsh-mellows?

 **diGAYo** : i probably forgot those

 **Sad &Salty**: You didnt forget the bread.. me and ben wanted toast

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : so you ate the whole loaf with someone who cant eat?

 **Sad &Salty**: u know what they say.. when u give a ghost some toast they want want more bc they like toast

 **ShortStack** : Nobody says that!!!

 **MusicalMeme** : i woke up to a fight about toast?

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : Diego forgot peanut butter and marsh-mellows 

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : and Klaus ate all the sliced bread

 **MamaBear** : u can still eat anything else @ShortStack

 **ShortStack** : I'll cut you bitch 

 **ShortStack** : 🔪

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **diGAYo** _changed his username to_ **VivaMéxico**

 **VivaMéxico** : guys im Mexican and never been to Mexico 

 **MamaBear** : then let’s goooo

 **Sad &Salty**: can u even speak Spanish?

 **VivaMéxico** : Yes bitch

 **VivaBitch** : I mean si bitch

 **MusicalMeme** : I’m down for a trip to Mexico 

 **ShortStack** : I could use time away from the house

 **cHeEsEyMoOn** : how do you know you’re from Mexico? Dad never told us where we were born..

 **VivaMéxico** : me and Klaus did the 23&Me dna stuff

 **Sad &Salty**: oh yeah I forgot about those

 **Sad &Salty**: I have leprechaun genetics 

 **ShortStack** : please tell me you don’t mean you’re irish 

 **MamaBear** : I’m willing to bet that’s exactly wat he means 

 **MusicalMeme** : I did Ancestry and im polish 

 **Benemy** changed **MusicalMeme** ’s username to **vanya-owski**  

 **Benemy** changed **Sad &Salty**’s username to **IrishCoffee**

 **IrishCoffee** : niiice

 **vanya-owski:** thanks 

 **vanya-owski:** I hate it 

 **MamaBear** : the nice and accurate descriptions of the Hargreeves, siblings

 **IrishCoffee** : okay we get it

 **IrishCoffee** : you have amazon prime you watched Good Omens 

 **ShortStack** : is now a good time to mention that I found our birth records in dad’s office weeks ago? 

 **ShortStack** : Luther is from Alabama, an English descendent 

 **vanya-owski** _changed_ **cHeEsyMoOn** _’s_ _username to_ **CountryBoii**

 **CountryBoii:** Alabama? Really??

 **ShortStack** : Diego is from California, Mexico  descendent 

 **ShortStack:** Allison is from Sudan

 **MamaBear** _changed their_ **username** _to_ **AfricanDoll**

 **AfricanDoll:** Can’t wait to learn Arabic 

 **ShortStack** : Vanya is from Amsterdam, Poland descendent   

 **ShortStack** : Ben is from Alaska, a Korean  descendent 

 **Benemy** : Cool beans 

 **ShortStack** : Klaus is from Ireland

 **IrishCoffee** : where r u from? 

 **ShortStack** : read✅ at 3:25pm 

 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

 **IrishCoffee** : no cops at pride only Ben and his tentacles 

 **Benemy** : 🐙 

 **vanya-owski** _changed_ **Benemy** _’s username to_ **bentacles**  

 **bentacles** : yay no upper cases letters

 **bentacles** : upper case is for heteroes

 **IrishCoffee** _changed their username to_ **irishcoffee**

 **irishcoffee:** fuck hets

 **ShortStack:** they’re just letters 

 **vanya-owski:** spoken like a true hetero

 **ShortStack** : Vanya you thought you were straight for thirty years 

 **vanya-owski:** ....

 **bentacles** : the late sexual crisis was a part of her origin story

 **bentacles** : frick off 

 **bentacles** : FRICK OFF

 **bentacles** : why can’t I say f*ck?? 

 **VivaMéxico** : [enter Diego] 

 **VivaMéxico** : bc u cuss too much bitch 

 **bentacles** : imma end your life

 **VivaMéxico** : How ghost boy? 

 **bentacles** _left the chat_

 **irishcoffee** : you really had to ask

 **AfricanDoll** : Diego’s screaming 

 **CountryBoii** : good

 **vanya-owski** : it’s what he deserves 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂️

 

**Author's Note:**

> That’s for reading!  
> I’m tua-as-vines on tumblr if you wanna check my other tua related nonsense 😘❤️


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